I know, I know, I haven't posted in like a year, but I need to put things in writing 1. for posterity and 2. to look at my situation and think clearer.

So, since school has ended, there have been a very... interesting ... development in my life:

My mother, along with her fiancee, Tim (who is a great guy), have bought a house in Amherst, Mass. They are planning on moving in at the end of August. WTF should I do? Let me lay out my thinking:

Reasons for leaving RI:

1. I need a new start. I have no life here. Beside school, I rarely leave my house. It's very sad, actually. IDK why that is, but it doesn't really seem I'll change that in this town. In Amherst, I can start new, and maybe meet some new, cool people. That probably won't happen at School One. I was on admissions committee, and the freshman class doesn't really seem like people I'd hang out with.

2. My father. It's hard to be around him. IDK if he really gets me. He's working all the time, but the time I'm with him, it's awkward. I like being with my mom, and I like being with Tim. I have fun with them.

3. College. My 1st choice school is UMASS-Amherst. If I go to live with my mom and Tim, I can get in-state tuition. That would be very helpful.


Reasons for staying in RI:

1. Guilt. Were I to leave, my father would be living alone. IDK if i could leave my father alone. As much as I want to go, he's still my dad and IDK if I could do that to him.

2. School One. I love it. It's great and I want to continue attending it.

3. A new school. I would need to go to a new school, and it would be a public school. But that could be good, so IDK what to make of this aspect of the situation.

4. The city. Amherst has a population of about 30,000 people, 1/5 the size of Providence. As anyone who's met me knows, I am a city kid.


My concluion, I think I want to leave RI. But what do you all think?

yes, i know i haven't posed in about 2 months. i have wanted to, but haven't gotten around to it. so lets start from where i left off.

the drama play was great. i can't remember much else about it. but it was good and everyone did a great job.

so school let out and i just sat around the house for a couple of weeks, just hanging around the house alone. i tried to get a job, but everyone told me "they weren't looking for someone with my amount of experience", which basically means i'm too young.

so on june 16th, i went to gillette stadium for a soccer triple header that featured a game from the us national team, and also the revs, the local mls team. that was pretty awsome cause i was sitting in the section with the crazy fans. we were all standing and jumping and singing, and it was pretty sweet.

so for the past few weeks, me and my dad have been going too the gym every-other day to lift weights. it's pretty cool, and i'm getting pretty strong. and he's happy that i'm showing some initiative in my life. but i try too keep the staring at guys to a minimum because my dad's right there. but last week i caught this little twink chesking me out. we smiled at eachother and that was that. i caught him looking a couple other times, but since my dad was there, i wouldn't dare try too talk to him. i haven't seen hiim since, but i'm sure he'll come back.

i feel wierd that school is over, and i kinda wanna get back too getting some structure back into my life. it's been locking structure lately.

i've started getting into the Shiny Toy Guns. i heard (read) orlena bloging about them, and the struck a nerve in the back of my head. and then i remembered, they were in my fifa street video game, the song You are the One. i love that song.

i'll b gone for the first 3 weeks of august for stupid camp, but i hope too see people before i go.

this is my 1st post in like a month, and idk y i havent been posting. its probobly cause there's nobody who reads this that i cant talk to. but i just feel like posting now.

so there is too much drama for me, so i'm not even going to bother with that shit. i just feel that if people have problems, then they need to deal with it in a mature and adult way, and not like a bunch of 3rd graders. that's all i have to say about that.

there's only another week until our drama play goes up, and i'm really worried about some people who know who they are. i'm making a huge effort to do my part, but ome people need to be mature. they have made a commitmant and they need to follow through. and if they ruin this play for the rest of us, then these are not my words, "we'll rape them", eve if i won't lay a finger on them.

in other news, my sister and mom are going to NYC tomorrow to see spamalot and stay the night. and the best part is i'm not invited, god dam it. so my sister knows this rich boy who has this huge crush on her, and he's paying for everyone. and now i have to spend the weekend with my dad.

i hate saying this cause it sounds so emo, but he really doesent get me. we got into an argument last weekend and he grounded me so i couldnt go to julians party. and then last night, i was watching the fc dallas - chicago soccer game, and my sister came in and said "i wanna watch scrubs". i was watching my game and she goes and complians to my dad and he was like "she's tired, let her watch" and i missed a great game.

i don't know how i'm gonna survive this weekend.

1. Have your music library ready.
2. Choose one (1) song from your music library whose title starts with the first letter (or number) of your screen name.
3. Repeat this process with each successive letter (or number) in your screen name until you run out of letters (or numbers).
4. Post up your results.
5. BONUS POINTS: Upload your mix (whether it's individual songs or a .zip of all the the songs) and include the mix in your post.

Split Needles-The Shins
The Time Imperfect-AFI
Under the Bridge-The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Camisado-Panic!at the Disco
Kiss and Control-AFI

I'm Not OK-My Chemical Romance
Nobody Likes You-Green Day

Sunday Bloody Sunday-U2
April in Paris-Ella Fitzgreald
No Reason-Axwell
I Walk the Line-Johnny Cash
The Killing lights-AFI
You're So Damn Hot-OK Go

OMG i havent posted since easter, but not much has been happening.

So spending easter with my mom's family wasnt so bad. it was real aquard till my awsome cousin eric shows up. i think he's like 22 or something. he's engaged now. anyway, we went to the attic and played video games for the rest of the afternoon.

So then there was 1 week till vacation, and i died. i did my english homework, because i'm close to failing, and i wrote my history paper cause i enjoyed the topic, but i died in everything else. i didn't do any math homework, and chris wrote me a really bitchy midterm. she said i owe 5 homeworks even though 2 were the same questions, and that i owe her an extra assignment that she never gave me. i am so done with chris. i will now try to avoid her classes from now on. she will insult the students and will complain about shit that she controls. mabey i'm just being bitchy, but that's how i feel.

So now my dad is freaking out on me.

Warning: I'm about to go all emo

he just doesent really get my school and my style of learning. he just doesen't get me. wtf would happen should i come out to him. he just doesen't get what i'm going through.

I'm done being emo now.

anyway, i've spent all break at home doing homework or wallowing in my own pity (and i take full reasponsability for the concequences). and most of the people i would hang out with were away. this is when i regret not making friends at my old school.

i just wanna get back to school and be social again and get back in the flow of shit.

This is going to be the worst day of my life.

Let me start last night. I'm with my mom in the car, and my dad is at his girlfriends house. Me and my sister start arguing about idk even what. My problem with my sister is that we're just like our dad, we never let anything go. if we get into a fight and i ignore her, she knows just the right buttons to push.

So my mom just decides to drop us off at our dad's empty house and leave us there for the night. and i just got a call from my grandmother saying she's gonna pick us up to take her to her sister's house for easter dinner, which is at 2 for some reason. and the problem is that they're uber catholic and conservotive, and gay kid + conservotives doesen't work well.

SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME!

BITCH SET ME UP!

I have been on a total WoW binge (thate world of warcraft for u noobs). i have heard this from so many people, and i believe in. WoW is a drug. once u start playing, it's impossible to stop. it kinda worries me. but whatever, i have pretty good self control.

Since i didn't go to the dance, i've really wanted to go clubbing. idk y but i just wanna go out and meet people. idk y i cany ever get myself out of the house. it's like i go to school and then get on the comp. or watch tv or read. i really need to get out more, but i cant ever seem to b able to get out of my house.

So i'm close to failing english, and my dad's freaking out. he's being a huge dick. i know what i haveto do, and i'm gonna do it, but my dad's fucking doesen't get it. idk what his problem is, but he just doesen't get my school. i had a chat with my grandparents in penn. on saterday. i tell him that they called cause i got such good evals last trimester; and he was like "did u tell them how ur failing english" in the most sacrastic and condecending way. and he never listens to me either. i explain the situation to him, and how i'm getting everything under control, and then this morning he corners my and interigates me and i explain it again and he' like "oh, whatever, go finish the laundry (i do the laundry)".

if this is how he freakes out at this, what would happen if i come out to him. i think will smith said it best; "parents just don't understand".

so there's all this drama at school, and it revolves around taylor, and everyone is always saying how anoying he is, and i feel really wierd, cause i accually like taylor. not like that, but i enjoy talking to him and stuff, and i just don't get what this whole drama is about. i get it, but sometimes drama is to be cept between the 2 people.

i really need a guy. it's anoying that all my guy friends are strait. mabey i'm just not a good enough gay. but it's a problem i need to fix.

I know i havent posted in like a week, but nothing has been happening, and most of my time has been with my mom, who doesn't have a comp cause it's getting repaired.

so i never went to the dance. i went to the Bruins game instead, and i had alot of fun. dances just aren't my thing, and it's not like anyone really cares. i think i would just b a downer.

so at school, i'm feeling really insicure. i've been feeling really emo lately.idk y, but i am just sick of drama, and more inportantly, people talking about drama. sometimes, drama just needs to b between the people.

today my sister was cleaning up my desk and she was being so anal about it. it accually kinda scared me. she was like moving everything and she wouldnt stop. i think she has repressed issues.

i was at a party last night, and i was hanging out, and this guy was flirting with me. and when i confrunted him, he kept demanding he was strait. it was disipointing cause he was pretty hot. idk what to think about him.

so tomorow lily and me r going shopping at the mall. i need to get a new outfit for the dance on friday. idk how lily talked me into going, but now i have to go. so i need a new outfit, and my dad was good enough to give me money.

erg, i have so much homework to do:

read 30 more pages of Perfume
do 10 questions on said reading
summerize science story for bio
spanish sheet

i probobly should have done this yesterday.

It was so beautiful out today, i can't believe it.

I finally got a DA account. it's so cool.

check it out at http://badass-uke44.deviantart.com/

in other news, school starts agair on monday. i'm kinda syced to get life back and running again. the break was cool and all, but i was kinda lownly. oh well.

1. Can you cook?

2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?

3. What talent do you wish you had?

4. Favorite place?

5. Favorite vegetable?

6. What was the last book you read?

7. Are you Dirty or Clean?

8. Any tattoos and/or piercings?

9. Worst habit?


HERE COMES THE FUN ...

1. How did we meet?

2. What's your philosophy on life?

3. Negative or Optimistic?

4. What was your dream growing up?

5. Worst thing to ever happen to you?

6. What was your first impression of me?

7. Tell me one weird fact about you:

8. What’s your favorite memory of us?

9 is missing. Make up something if you want.

10. Have you ever kept anything from me?

11. What do you think of me as a person?

12. Do you think I'm sane or insane?

13. Would you cry for me if I died?

14. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

15. If you could change anything about me, would you?

16. How do you fall asleep?

17. Ever gotten angry with me?

18. Would you go on a blind date if I set you up?

19. If you had one day to live, what would you do?

20. A million bucks… what would you do with it?

21. What is your worst fear?

22. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

23. Can you sing or dance?

24. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest....

25. Will you repost this so I can fill it out?

so on thursday i was volenteering cause i need 10 hours of community service a year to graduate from high school. it is this program where kids go to this center in NH that's like a city in a gym, and run their own city for a day, and each business needs a supervisor, and i was supervisor at the bank.

so lets start with getting there. so i'm supposed to get to Roger Williams MS efore 8 to get the bus thats going up there. so i misread the mapquest map and wander around till i call my mom and i find out the school is like a half mile from my house.

so now i'm on the bus and of coarse i'm the only white person there. and these middle schoolers are just like the kids at my middle school. they will laugh at anything, they're hyper (but not the good hyper), and they throw gay and fag around like I. and they have the worse grammer i have ever heard. middle school was a bad experiense for me.

so i'm there and getting my people setting up, and there's a computer program that they use to update peoples "money" when they get their "paychecks". so i show them how to use it, but then the opperation's director comes and explains half of what i did in twice the time. and then he thinks he did them a favor. they have these colored dots on everyones nametag, and that shows what break u take. so there were people going out on not their break. they have this "police force" that will "arrest u" and take u to city hall and hold u there till u pay a "fine". so as they announce this, i'm thinkin "this guy's a real nazi." basically, the director was a dushe.

and then it tooks us 3 hours to get back to the school cause we hit major traffic. and i was sitting next to a kid who wanted to buy and then steal my ipod.

i was overall a bad experience, and i only got 8 hours of community service. and now i have to deal with my grandmother today. that's never fun, cause she smells of years worth of tobacco and she loves to rant about politics and such.


SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME!!!!!

note: i am attempting to spell these names, but i'm sure i got alot wrong.

ok, so i know that the oscars were on sunday, but i haven't given my spin on it. i watched the 1st hour, and then i couldn't take it any more. the show is way to long, especially since you can read the results in 10 seconds on the internet the next day. it could also be that i have a very short attention span. but still, 4 hours is way to long of a show.

now to the awards. i was glad Pan's Laberinth got lots of the costume, set , makeup, and all that stuff. i saw that movie, and it was visually stunning. i was also glad that Alan Arken won for best supporting actor. i also saw Little Miss Sunshine, and i thought he did a great job. i, however, do not support Martin Scorcese for best director for 2 reasons; 1. The Departed is not his best film. can anybody say taxi driver or raging bull? and 2. Clint Eastwood should have won for Letters to Iwu Jima. he took a topic well known in america, and put a very interesting spin on it. i was also syced in the best actor, actress and supporting actress.

now, i've told my friends this, but this was the first year that i really noticed the outfits, and i'll tell you who i think was dressed the worst. the 1st 2 would have looked great, but there were some details that ruined it. i thought nicole kidman looked great, but people said the bow on her wasn't great, but i disagree. i do agree, however, when people said that the shoulder coat Jen Hudson wore on the red carpet was ugly as hell. good thing she took it off when she got inside. also, cameron diaz looked like she was wearing a used tissue as apposed to a white dress.

so that's it. i hope you all liked my take on the oscars.

OMG i should feel tired, but i don't. i spent like all last night chating with lily till like 2 30 in the morning. i dont really ever stay up that late, but it was kinda fun. around 12 i felt really tired, but then i pushed through the threashhold and didn't feel tires. also, lily showed me where to read good yugioh porn, and she thinks that kept me up.

but today is pretty much like yesterday. i'm just hangin out in the house not knowing what to do, and my dad's at work so i really dont have much social things. idk what to do now, so i'm just ranting to u guys.

OMG this day is going by so slow. i've spent the whole day watching tv and brousing 4chan. it's pretty much my favorite forum. i did go out and play in the snow...alone...and there wann't that much snow. but idk what i'm gonna do cause my dad's at work and my sister is coming over and she has school so i'm gonna haveta go to bed early cause we share a room. we have a small house. idk what i'm gonna do. i need a job or something.

School wasnt as bad as i thought it would b, but lt started horrible. Jullian was sick, and Taylor was in Cali, so 2 of our people 4 the play was gone, and the rest of us were sick of this play. so when we found out jullian wasn't gonna b there, we fucking freaked out.

but then after lunch we chilled out upstairs. we just talked and listened 2 techno 4 like 2 hour, and then we had 2 do the play, which was half decent. it could have been alot worse. i go abunch of laughs, even though i screwed up alot of the lines. but most of the time, u r the only 1 that notices.

so now i'm off 4 2 weeks, and i don't know what the fuck i'm gonna do. and my dad is complainin that i'm out of school. but whatever. idk.

so me and lily are afficialy splitsville. oh well. we kinda had a nothing fight over which was gayer "my heart will go on (me)" and "can u feel the love tonight". oh well. the sad thing is that real relationships end this way. makes u kinda think.

also, Yami is my candyman.

Nothing special has really happened this week. Orlena came back today after she was sick with some sort of vomiting thing. I was glad she was back, and she was accully nice to me.

Siobhan got really emotional during math class. We were making our own proofs, and she was having trouble with hers. I felt really bad about that.



It's now thursday nite. the above was from last night. Something interesting did happen. I went over to lilys house after school, and it was awsome. her house was so big and scary. then i teamed up with siobahn to lose to orlena and lily's brother anus (it's angus) at duel monsters. then we watched youtube videos till orlena and siobahn left. then me lily and jullian read fanfiction till we had to leave. then i walked the wrong way and my dad had 2 pick me up.

thing are cool.

hail 2 the cheif cause theres no school today. but my sister's here, so my activities are greatly limited if u know what i mean.

So my dad brought me 2 this dinner party, and not only did i meet this cute guy (i have no chance cause he's got a girlfrend), but i saw the girl who i kinda had a summer fling with when i still had a boyfriend. it was kinda aquard, but then she tried to set me up with her gay friend. i dont know what to think of all this.

So i read my 1st manga over the weekend. It's called Loveless and it is really wierd, but i really like it. but it kinda seems like the auther was on lsd when they wrote it. but now i wanna go out and buy more. i've gotten hooked.

Warning: i'm 2 lazy 2 change names anymore. my x is chris, my sister is rose, and my dad's girlfriend is lynn.

but anyway, ITS A FUCKIN SNOW DAY!!!!!! its the 1st one of the year. there's only like an inch here, but it was worse other places, and my high school gets kind from all over the state, so they canceled school. i'm syced cause my dad just left for work, so i have the house 2 myself.

2day was when my drama club was gonna do the play in midsummer night's dream, but we won't, and i'm kinda glad. i am the female love interest, so i have 2 go in drag infront of the whole school. i don't really know why i'm freakin out. mabey its cause of that asshole freshman ben who is always fuckin with me. he should die.

on monday, these 2 girls i hang with, lily and siobahn, were fighting cause they both wanted me 2 b there gay boyfriend. i chose lily cause she is a total sadist and she scares me. but siobahn's friend orelna (i hope i didn't spell that wrong, or she'll beat me) is threagning me. she once beat me with a belt. so i'm rather indecisive. i just think it's 2 funny these strait girls r "fighting" over me. lol.

i'm sure i'll post later 2day.